Negotiating Kindness?

Tonight I just felt moved to write something.

On a regular basis I notice people, who for whatever reason, find it inherently hard to be nice. It's as if they have to justify being nice and make the decision based upon a negotiation they decide on within their mind. Tonight I witnessed a friend who is in a constant flow of anger. Every single time I've hung out with this friend there's an angry moment. I chalk it up to personal unhappiness. I could be off the mark because I don't have a counseling license - but I did get a degree in counseling!

It all brought to mind how it's just amazing to me that some people will go out of their way to be mean when it's way easier to be 1.) kind and 2.) generous. It's not just a Natalie Merchant song! Maybe they don't really go out of their way. Maybe in the beginning they did and over time it has just become the only way they know how to respond?

It is my belief that if everyone just treated others with kindness - things would be so much better. If you spend a lot of your energy being angry then it doesn't leave much time for you to be in any other state of mind. The "ups" in your life are fewer and farther between. It all makes me think about God and just having faith in the thought that the life you live is just a journey that the Higher Power (if you choose to have faith that there is one) has provided. No one is out to get you. No one is out to steal from you. No one is truly out to hurt you maliciously, etc. (aside from common criminals). But if you've put that kind of energy out there - you BEST BELIEVE it's coming back to find you. It's the boomerang of life known as karma.

So imagine putting out nothing but good, positive energy. Being supportive. Being a good friend. Being a good parent. Being nice. Choosing to be happy. Living life as if it were the BEST gift you've ever received (because it really is).

In the purest sense - it's all about kindness. Think about that the next time you throw out your boomerangs.

When Opportunity Meets Preparation

Lately, I've been thinking about my experiences in the field of student affairs. I have been contemplating how, when, and why I'd like to write this entry. Sitting here now makes my eyes water because of the amount of gratitude I want to share with everyone who has helped to carry me to this point in my life. It's amazing to me to think that I have been in the field for 7 years! What's even more amazing is reflecting on all that I've learned in those 7 years. While it may seem obvious to most that with 7 years of doing a specific type of job gives you a certain level of expertise, I'm here to talk about another. The unofficial mentor.

When I say unofficial, I'm talking about those individuals that you see and think, "Wow, I want to learn how they did/do it!" and you don't necessarily discuss with them your intentions. This all comes to mind with my last work experience at the University of Nevada Las Vegas. I have a tremendous level or respect and gratitude for having worked with the people I've had the opportunity to engage in dialogue and share experiences. This is not to discount my other experience as a hall director in Georgia. Having spent 5 years at one institution, I feel compelled to speak directly of this particular experience.

In 2003 I began my journey at UNLV. I really had little knowledge of student affairs theory, of what it meant to attend a national convention, let alone which one to attend, and I had yet to put together a proposal, official document, or otherwise for a university and/or its upper administration or even a national publication. I was indeed, green and sometimes green with envy because of my new colleagues seemingly extensive knowledge of the theories I had never fully understood or even studied. I'll be the first to tell anyone that my masters program was not terribly enriching.

It's not easy being green. I learned that during my first year when I was passed up for a merit pay increase, when everyone else who was also new around me received one. At that moment I sought out my first unofficial mentor. Since I had become friends with him, I would ask questions on how to improve and jokingly tell him that I was indeed on the same fast track to success. I definitely modeled some of my professional choices after him and it paid off. The next year and each year thereafter, I did receive merit. There were other unofficial mentors in the Division of Student Life. The level of support, those valuable teachable moments, and trust meant a great deal to me. I truly feel that I would not be in the position I am now poised to take on had this journey and your guidance not been a part of my life.

Some of the things I've learned are:

• professional ettiquette
• writing minutes
• running meetings
• indulging my creativity
• taking risks
• learning how to honor commitments
• learning the importance of being on time
• student affairs theory
• how to be developmental
• working smarter not harder
• having rich diaglogues
• goal planning
• creating a vision
• creating event binders
• being thorough
• playing devils advocate
• knowing how to say no
• knowing when to say yes
  
• being stern when necessary
• "playing nice"
• the value of inclusivity and collaboration
  
• the constant use of student affairs lingo
• walk the talk
• how to do bigger and better events
• report writing
• assessment
  
• the value of autonomy
• becoming a better writer
• drafting "official" documents/emails
• being "collegial"

Leaving UNLV was a really difficult choice especially with so many unknowns with taking on a new position. I remember the conversations I had with our Assistant Director and Director on why I wanted to do a job search. The only thing I could really speak to was that I needed a change from the job I had been doing for the last 5 years. I knew that role like the back of my hand but something kept telling me to move on. I resisted and even drafted a "new duties" document to outline how my position could be better utilized.

Now I sit in my new home in Virginia, reflecting on this journey and sharing it with my readers. I didn't mention the names of individuals because they deserve to be recognized for being great professional role models and helping me go from a green newbie to a seasoned professional on a more personal level.

I titled this post, "When Opportunity Meets Preparation" because honestly, I was watching TV and someone said it on a show. It was in reference to luck and it made me think of my situation and how, during the last 7 years I was being prepared for my new role. If you recall my previous posts, I did a job search. I went on two campus interviews and for whatever reason, I did not fit their needs and I'm okay with that. It's the fit with an institution and the department that you'd be working in that's most important. It was on the third campus interview where I seemed to find a fit and they did, too. Fast forward to the present and by the end of this month, I will no longer be in the position I was hired for. After two months on the job, I was offered the opportunity for a promotion and the opportunity crossed paths with my preparation!

Going back to the position I had in Georgia, a book that a Dean I worked with gave to our housing department has been ever influencing in how I do my work. The book is, "The Four Agreements" by don Miguel Ruiz. It's a quick read and a simple concept to digest and implement into your life. Be sure to check out the link to read the what those agreements are.

I say all of this for two reasons, to show my appreciation for the professional development I received from my UNLV family and to let you, the reader, see how it all comes together when you're ready for it. To develop as a professional takes mentoring in the unofficial or official versions. I doubt that any of the people aside for one who I am friends with, even realized they had that type of influence. It's always the little things that add up to be really important. Just watch how people work and do their work - you'll be amazed at what you pick up. And those times when you get reprimanded, can also be those influential moments that stick with you forever and create a stronger professional. If you don't ever make mistakes, how can you ever grow? Had preparation not met those opportunities in Georgia and Nevada, I would not be prepared for the new professional opportunity I've accepted. I plan to pay it forward to each green newbie whose opportunity crosses my path.

Thank you to everyone who has played a part in my experiences, whether you saw your contribution in this entry or not, everyone has had a part in helping me be who I am as a professional and friend today.

With sincerest gratitude,

What I Wish I Would Have Known in Student Affairs

A while back I came across a blog that stated, "20 Things I Wish I Had Known When Starting Out in Life". I then started thinking about the things I wish I had known about Student Affairs. There are quite a few things to mention that most people probably picked up in their graduate programs. However, one of the things I've always understood is the importance of humble, friendly, energetic, and willing to do the work.

Below is a list of things I wish I had known prior to getting into this field. Feel free to add your own "I wish I would have known" comments. This could be fun!

1. Know more about the process of getting hired. When I was on the verge of graduating with my MA, I had no idea what the time-line looked like in order for me to get a job. I really didn't start applying for positions until May - and as you know.. that's WAY LATE! Luckily I found a position as a hall director. Those two years were great - but I definitely didn't know what to do as a hall director because I had only lived in the halls for a semester myself. HA! I guess with the willingness to learn and do the work you can do anything. It's called SURVIVAL!

2. What exactly do you do at an ACPA and NASPA and why would you want to go? I had heard about these two student affairs organizations but I never really grasped why it was important for me to be a member. It didn't help that the first institution I was employed with didn't go to either of these conferences - so there went another two years of not knowing.

3. Be your (professional) self in Interviews and RELAX! Wow, I just got this not too long ago. You don't want to force yourself to fit a position - you want to give the interviewers a sense of who you are and they'll decide if you're a good fit. When you do this.. you become less nervous. Just make sure you're prepared.

4. Have a general idea of a handful of theories. Some people in student affairs like to talk theory. I'm not really one of them - but I can at least give you a general idea of some of the most used ones and hold a conversation. In my early years, this wouldn't be the case. I had theories class - but I skated through that class. In my current position I gained the knowledge to be able to speak on some theorists even if it's not my favorite thing to do (I actually get quite bored). Having a general knowledge also helps you through some interviews. I don't know how many actually ask questions on your theory knowledge - but UNLV definitely does. I will say that I've never heard anyone shout out, "Oh my God - I just did challenge and support!" - It's all about putting it into practice.

5. Stay out of the gossip. Actually I've always lived by this one since graduate school. Gossip will destroy everything and trust goes right out of the window. If you're participating in gossip, just imagine how much others you're gossiping with are actually gossiping about you. Think "Mean Girls". It all comes back to bite you on the ass in the end.

6. No matter what they say, there is ALWAYS ways around it. Don't ever take the first no as the FINAL ANSWER. Oh, and those rules are they just as a guideline - of course unless it may result in death, pain, serious injury and incarceration. While there might always be a way around something you can't always skirt around a rule - but a lot of times you can.

7. Stand your ground - be confident. Sometimes you meet people who are in a higher position than you and the culture is to fear this person for whatever reason. If you're confident that commands a certain level of respect. If you're sure about something, stand your ground - but know when to concede. Some battles are just not worth the fight, plus you have to think of the whole team. How is standing your ground on a subject affecting others? It took me a while to be confident enough to stand my ground when I believed in something.

8. Be well known for something. Whatever you're good at - keep it up. Be known for that. If it's being punctual - let that be your M.O. Are you an encyclopedia of team building/ice breaking knowledge? Then do as many staff development exercises as possible. If you're creative, show it any chance you get. If you are organized - offer to help others be that way. If you can find humor in the most appropriate times when it's needed, then do it. Accentuate whatever skill/talent you have to help yourself shine brightest.

9. Don't agree to do something if you really don't want to do it. This is a no-brainer. If you don't want to do something and you've convince yourself that you have to because someone may be offended or upset that you can't - then that's their problem. My motto is, "Help when you have the time, ability and WANT to help". You'll always come across as genuine because you will be your genuine self when you are helping. Doing something because of politics, being afraid to say no, or afraid someone will not like you will set you into a hard to break spin-cycle of inauthentic behavior and you'll always remember the time when you did that "favor" for someone. It's the times you don't remember doing something for someone but they always remember you doing it for them, that you have done something with pure kindness. It's those things that count in the long run.

10. Take advantage of all of your fringe benefits! Get your full worth at your institution. Health benefits, retirement plans, computer loans, free software, free or discounted tuition - take FULL advantage. I've taken advantage of all of the benefits. The tuition one is great because while I may not be working towards a degree, I'm working on improving my skills in other areas that help me do the work in my position better - and better still, I am taking classes for personal enrichment.

11. Don't become a politician (unless you're REALLY running for office). You can't be everything to everyone all of the time but who you can be is yourself everyday. This is not to say you aren't respectful and thoughtful in regard to a colleagues role in your department or division - but what it's saying is that you be consistent in your dealings and confident in the decisions you make. People will respect you more for your point of view, your enthusiasm, and honesty. Keep in mind, this isn't carte blanche to say and do "whatever the hell you want" but more of a vehicle to be you. It's wise to press palms, smile, and engage in authentic conversations but it's not wise to get yourself caught up in the "watch out for so-and-so", the "they don't like it when...", or the "you don't want to piss off so-and-so ", etc. Once you start tip-toeing around folks, it's a wrap! You've given them the power without them even asking for it.

The Lessons We Teach

I was sent this video from a friend.  It's crazy to think of the things that people do and say out of fear.  I was thinking about this because I have a childhood friend who is pretty right-winged with his beliefs.  He and I go back and forth on issues and the whole immigration issue was one of them (among other things).  

Working in student affairs, I think I've become... wait.. I KNOW I've become more accepting of things, more knowledgeable of people's feelings, and more politically correct - and we all know that this can sometimes be taken wrong by those who don't understand why I/we choose to use certain words. I am often dubbed a liberal. I'm okay with that.

I was thinking about how I now, since becoming a student affairs practitioner, have become an advocate for so many things and find myself sharing what I've learned not only with the students I work with, but also with my family, friends and acquaintances.  

• Instead of assuming someone is married to a man or a woman and saying husband and wife - we say partner or spouse. 
• Instead of saying someone is black, people will say African-American (although I still ONLY say black - because I did not immigrate from Africa). 
• Instead of saying Merry Christmas, we say Happy Holidays.
• Etc. etc.... 

In the last 5 years, I find myself advocating for things that aren't even related to me. Be it someone's religious beliefs, to the poor, the homeless, beggars on the street, people who are extremely different from myself and so forth.  There was a lesson that I learned from Mr. Wagner in 5th grade. To give people the benefit of the doubt (although it was most often related to when we scored classmate's tests and quizzes). 

After having watched the video, I started to think about how we try to educate our students. I plan to spark a discussion with them to get them to think more about more important matters than what's happening with Britney Spears or how the next episode of a reality show is so intense.  

I give the people in the video the benefit of the doubt.  My first instinct was to think, "Wow, these people are crazy!". Then I thought about how they're not so much crazy as they are afraid. I also don't perceive them to necessarily be racist but they are wanting self-preservation. All of this comes from not being aware of how the other side feels.  One of the lessons I learned in life is to place myself in someone else's shoes before I make a judgement.  What would I do and how would I feel?

Watch the video and think about how you're doing your part to teach the lessons you've learned to the students you work with. 

Just something to think about.

Interviewing & Me: The Return of the Jedi

Lightsaber:
Main Entry: light sa·ber
Pronunciation: ˈlīt sā-bər
Function: noun

(1) A tool that can be enabled with lightning speed and holds the power of your skills, experiences, vision, career goals, personal goals, etc.

(2) A reflection of confidence, dexterity, and attunement to the (work) Force.


Yesterday I officially re-entered the land of phone interviews. How awkward! It's been 5 years since I've had to do a phone interview but I've been on the other side of the phone connection many times giving them. Since I've been at this institution I've done at least 60 phone interviews for candidates. So why did I find it so hard to be on the other side of the line?

I guess no matter how many times you've done a phone interview, the first one is always the most nerve racking. I can't recall any position that I've applied for where they were the first phone interview and I got a campus visit. Yesterday may continue that track record.

My interview yesterday was brief. Super brief. So brief that I'm not even really sure what to make of it. The interview lasted about 15 minutes - that included my questions at the end. I prepared the night before with a slew of potential questions. Tough questions. Questions that my current institution asks of its candidates. I wanted to be prepared so that my answers would flow smoothly like butter on a hot pan. I even consulted my Obi Wan Kenobi's (other professionals) for tips and reassurance! That didn't quite happen. My nerves got the best of me I think. I probably said "professional growth" a dozen times. Does that make me sound less like a Jedi? It is one of the key elements that I'm looking for in my next position. However, to be the interviewer, do you want to hear someone repeat key words? According to Yoda, “Happens to every guy sometimes this does”. I guess I've become more accustomed to much more in-depth interviews. I can honestly say that I don't think they got a good picture of who I am as a professional and didn't get a good idea of my Jedi tricks. Not in 12 minutes. Then again, maybe that's all they needed.

The brevity of this interview has caused me to question how effective I am in spitting out what I want in my next position and what my goals and skills/talents are. Sure, we could probably articulate to anyone who asks what it is we want to achieve in our careers. The question is, "Can you articulate what you want in your career on the spot with clarity and brevity while trying to be impressive?" I know I usually don't hit that clarity and brevity mark until the 2nd or 3rd interview. Impressive? I definitely love to talk about the work I do - but to do it briefly? By the time the lightsaber is on, glowing bright and I have more finesse when flippin' the switch on and off, the interview is over.

The lessons for this Jedi are these: Always have your lightsaber ready. Know what you are capable of and the power of the lightsaber. Practice, practice, practice.

"Try not. Do or do not, there is no try." -- Yoda

*I was inspired to write this blog by watching Director Kevin Smith guest star on Degrassi The Next Generation last night. He mentioned Star Wars - which is one of my favorite movie series.

The last lecture of Randy Pausch 1

10 Minute Lecture

Full Length Lecture (which is MUCH better to watch)
The first 7 minutes or so are introductions, etc.

Today I was watching Oprah. Yeah.. She's one of my favs! On her show were people who were living with a disease that is killing them. Randy Pausch was one of her guest.

Randy has pancreatic cancer and has been told that he has only a few months before he will begin to deteriorate and eventually die. In his final lecture (which is something done at Carnegie Mellon University every year) he talks about maintaining your childhood dreams and achieving those dreams. It moved me.

There were several things that stood out in my mind from his lecture. One thing was that his parents never curtailed his creativity. He wanted to paint the walls in his room with pictures, ideas, etc, and his parents allow him to. So did my parents. That made me consider how lucky I was to have parents who allowed me to be "me". They may not have always been happy with all aspects of me but the undoubtedly respected me, my creativity and choices as a human being.

Randy (his lecture is THAT good that it makes me feel that we're so close that we're on a first name basis) has a knack for painting a vivid image of the simplicities of life.

It's a testament to living life through your own dreams and never giving up on those dreams. What a great lesson for us as student affairs professionals to learn/revisit and what an EXCELLENT lesson to teach our students.

Take a look at the clip. Share it. Talk about it. Ponder the concepts.

Imagine what life would be like if we truly focused on what really matters in life then what really matters to us.

Right now I'm workin' on a pretty good "head fake" :0) - you have to watch the video to get it.

This clip is only a snippet of his hour lecture. I am working to find a way to post the entire lecture on this site.

Don't Cry For Me....

I have to set the tone for this blog by providing a soundtrack. I choose the Evita soundtrack. YES - the one featuring Antonio Banderas and Madonna. Like Evita, I have my moments, I have my style, I have my missteps and it causes me to self-reflect.

During the last two days I forgot to a extend professional courtesy - but I sure as hell would have expected it from my peers if I were on the other side of the fence. I received an email from a superior that really put me in check. It was almost like a mother scolding her son when he doesn't use his manners. At least that's what it felt like. I needed that.

In order to become a better professional we need to be made aware of our mistakes. It doesn't always necessarily need to come in a touchy feely approach - sometimes we as professionals, don't "hear that". Sometimes we need a good stern stare and a finger shaking to set us back on track. The email I received was full of a stern stare and finger shaking! A few years back, I had a Director be stern about my tardiness to a meeting. To this day - I am NEVER late to a meeting unless it's due to my resolving an issue that requires immediate attention.

These are those professional development moments that come out of necessity. Those learning moments that puts you back on track and settle into your brain.